We all wandering men with lost spirits

And I know my sins won't get me to the promised land
And for eternal life my chances ain't promising
But I'm gonna find a way to shake these sinner heathens
And take these inner demons out my life, I promise man
-Little Brother, "Sinners"

it's a wonder what life events remain forever etched in your memory and those that gradually fade.

my family (all cliques) is pretty fond of having large gathering to celebrate whatever holiday, birthday, graduation, or anniversary just so happens to coincide with food being on the stove.

take last week for example. yet another wonderful thanksgiving holiday where we broke bread, dapped each other up with firm pounds, and sang and danced and enjoyed the night with our peoples. my peoples. (shoulder lean)

and it's hard to distinguish any one instance when i've been told to be careful before heading out on the road. or before yet another long road trip on these east coast highways. i'm always down for some driving. i like being my own captain and in control of my voyage. in control of my own destiny, i guess. (shoulder shrug)

You think you know what's coming? You don't have a clue.

about a dozen of us rolled out last Friday to the movie to see Denzel's latest blockbuster, Deja Vu. I hadn't even paid much attention to any previews or reviews of it until that very day. Yet, it's premise did intrigue me. And i am glad that i went. Because not only was it a very good movie, but it is sticking in the back of my brain like one of those old-school theater marquees with the flashing bulbs.

There are people that religiously read newspaper obituaries. I am twisted in debating back and forth not only who should write mine, but what it should say. Naturally, that will all be determined by what I do with my life whether it is of substance or not. Regardless, there are people who will (hopefully) mourn my departure and wish that I were still there. And for all of my years, it's a maddeningly eerie feeling to one week be writing about hugging your family members tighter and longer than before and then then the next week knowing they won't be around to break bread with you the following year.

One of my homegirls, T da G, wrote something a while back about how some people say Peace, but don't really mean it. It made me value the word and phrase much more than I had previously. So now when I do invoke it, it is with specific intent and purpose.

And now, instead of casually shrugging off someone's conversation-ending quip to call them when I get home to let 'em know I'm alive and well; I'll have to be mindful that I'll never truly know when it's my time to go. So I'll drive carefully and call when I get home just because it's that long-distance hug in lieu of the tight embraces that we seek out for solace. There's no telling when one hug may be the last hug.

Reast in Peace, Uncle Kenny.

yo momma got control over you, boy

those were the words of the six-year-old to the three-year-old.

after the three-fer had shouted, "get yo hands off my momma's car!"

...to which the six-er chimed, "you ain't got no control over yo momma's car!"

i was perched on the front stoop just chilling out as the sunset began to invade the horizon and round 2 was a-knocking on my stomach's chamber door. and that brief exchange of innocence put the biggest grin on my face that day. Made the whole trip worth it with just that one moment in time when all was still, the boys were being boys, and be easy was how we was being.

It was a calm Thanksgiving this year. One marked with smiling faces, strong-gripped daps, warm hugs, and food out the ying-yang, son.

After getting back home, I just so happened to come across this article on happiness and the recent research and techniques involved in putting a smile on more people's faces. I, for one, will neither claim to be a bubbly ear-to-ear grin-mesiter not will I front like I'm always in a bad mood and life is simply ok every day. We all take our lumps, bumps, and bruises with subdued resistance and surreal resilience. It's the bouncing back that reveals your true happiness.

So anyways, I bounced back this year fairly satisfied at the progress made this Thanksgiving as i tried to commit to interacting more with those I had not had a chance to really ctahc up with in a while. And although prying into another person's life isn't the cakewalk it may seem to be after a few slices of pecan pie and Grey Goose, it sure beats a blind date who's gets geeked off some throwback Eagles.

They gonna bug us, we save the lives of the young among us

Where I'm from we don't be talking loud, that's cause we walking proud
More black rain falling from the clouds soon as I saw the crowd
- Hi-Tek & Talib Kweli, "Time Is Now"

trying to make the most of a slight cough and hunger anxiety. the food rations are piling up and it's almost time to let the beast out of the bag.

And your boy still got that hunger, you gotta love us

the fam always remarks how big the midget gets every reappearance. so this time, i had to warn them to not curse him. you see, my pops is a big dude. as in some size fifteens, know-what-I-mean? and all throughout my childhood, i kept hearing that i had some check-up as a kid and the doctor said i was going to grow up to be at least 6'4".

yeah. um. that shT didn't happen. so now, i get wary of trying to predict stuff. i'd rather let the chips fall where they may and let life run its course. You could have no history of high blood pressure in your family, yet take an L to the heart in the blink of an eye. We live and we learn and family always comes first.

So on this Thanksgiving...

I'll say a prayer for my cousin's father-in-law and hope for a speedy recovery so they can have a good time in the Boogie Down. And I won't hold it against her that she fell asleep on me and left me hanging.

I'll pray that Onion is well and out of trouble and hopefully will eventually leave those QU park benches to get out of the cycle he's been living for the last decade.

I'll relish in spending time with my many grandmothers and cherish another year we are fourtunate to have the youngest elderly women ever still shopping and hopping all over the place having just as much fun as ever.

I'll hug tighter and longer than in years past because home is where the heart is and chicken wings are good for the soul.

I'll laugh heartily and joke mightily to escape from overhanging anxieties and relax at ease in the warmth of love and good cheer.

I'll sit back with a smile and watch as the little bit of sweat I put in the last few years finally comes to life because someone called a meeting and heads are rumored to show up.

I'll remember that this holiday cannot pass without an acknowledgement of the immigrant imperialism (before it was either) for which lives were lost and land was taken.

I'll visit the old neighborhoods, pour a little juice out to celebrate the lives of those not here, and go back in time - albeit briefly - to a place where it was all so simple and yet just as complicated as well.

I'll catch up with old friends and reflect on the time that has passed and the milestones that need to be shared.

I'll break bread with cousins and catch up on life's quirks and the meandering paths we've taken to get where we are; while collectively dreaming big for what lay ahead.

Airwaves disaster-ridden, we wear masks for a living

Lets hit the streets
Catch bullets with our teeth
Get the kitten out the tree
Bring evil to its knees
Clean its mouth out with bleach and send it on its way
Bring the children a better day

Aas my carib crew would say, some interesting tings a gwan deh. case in point, this Where Does Courage Come From article and this quick interview of Henry Louis Gates about his new annotated version of Uncle Tom's Cabin. coincidentally, joseph mccarthy, condoleeza rice, leopold mozart, and claude monet all share a birthday today. had me thinking about leadership and selling out and the inherent parallels and paradox that come with both. plus, i've been seeing more and more people who talk about giving up on hip-hop, which troubles me. and no, i'm not trying to make excuses, because there are plenty of ignant muthafuqas out there making some wack shT, but to just give up on the whole genre? had some discussions the past week and tonight in particular about some tangible ideas to connect the culture more intimately with the social change work being done. youth voice is very central to the puzzle, but so is an open willingness on both ends to passionately convey opinions and argue talking points, yet do it in a productively tasteful way the keep business as it should be and puts the ball in motion as opposed to talking heads, usurped credibility, insulted sensibilities, and wack photo-ops. so the notion of how leadership, selling out, sensationalism, scare tactics, artisitic freedom, and estranged realities all fit in the puzzle somehow i guess. i just hope it doesn't rain on thursday.

Now day in day out
We fought continuous bouts
At every corner of the world where we heard evil shout
Hearts filled with courage bank accounts full of doubt
We gotta find a way to make it all balance out
-Murs & Slug, "The Two"

If we ain't getting mathematics something got to give

slow learners'll understand in due time

sudoku is the shT. i bet one of the students this summer that i'd have more squares completed than he by the time we exited the subway downtown, which was a good six stops away. let just say i was done before we hit chinatown. i like the craze and how much it's taken off since i first started playing. like life, and organized and messy numbers game of chance and trial-and-error. go figure.

hesitate or regulate, it's on you.

I can remember how I used to love playing logic games in the 4th and 5th grade. There was a program called SAIL and we used to leave class (I think) and go work on special stuff (or something like that). Apparently, my memory is vague with it, but somehow I remember there was one story about Harlan Sanders - yeah the colonel - but I cannot seem to find it. oh well. i'll keep digging.

I'm headstrong, at peace with myself like Islam
-Mobb Deep, "Still Shinin"

in other news: chicken is good, i had a so-so weekend, and i think bill richardson would be an ill president. word.

What you don't know will make your home a permanent urn

The game ain't changed.
It just got harder.
-MOP & Jay-Z, "You Don't Know Remix"

How do you distinguish the dream from the daily grind? My man DL has this one joint of his called Mirror, which is just a straight-up dope song (and video, too). Sometimes, we all have to go in the bathroom and splash some water on our face and do that whole look-in-the-sink and slowly raise-your-head-while-staring-intensely at the mirror thing.

It's soothing, refreshing, and reassuring. You're just checking to make sure everything is still in its place, yet you also want to make sure it's still real. Whether you had a rollercoaster day, a great night, or one rough-a$ week; you look in that mirror for redemption, companionship, and solace. Instead of pinching, you gaze at your own eyes just so you can refamiliarize yourself with - yourself. You know the pain, the passion, the goals, the sights, the sounds, the fear, the elation, the sorrow, and the awe that those eyes have witnessed. Yet, you feel compelled to do these self-imposed reality checks to make sure all the bell and whistles still function and the dome is still straight. You're compelled when depressed or inspired; axious or fearful; calm or nervous.

You listened to Governor Patrick's election acceptance speech and felt a immense sense of pride and urgency. Pride because he represented; no explanation necessary. Urgency because although he is a brother, shT ain't gonna be sweet. Some things will still be fuqed up in this town, this county, this state, and this country. And come hell or high water, you know he will probably have it hardest because he is a Black man. Yet, for that very same reason, you know the inherent symbolism has already done more for little kids who look like you and came up in similar circumstances than anything you could ever dream of.

And for those reasons, you are inspired to do more. To do more for others. To do more for self. To take those traits that you do and do not love about yourself - and even the ones that others admire or loathe - and commit to working on them. Step by step. Because in the end, it'll help you to grow and mature and to become a better person. Because you're supposed to. Because some people - unbeknownst to you - may be looking up to you and won't tell you until years later. Because you took that jungle music and made it move you. Because you dudes is noodles and I got more ziti to bake.

yo, bumrush the show

wow

You are every Black man, woman and child in Massachusetts and America, and every other striver of every race and kind, who is reminded tonight that the American Dream is for you, too.

had me all shook up. i am not in shock, but it definitely is a marvel. and such a great thing to be a part just on the strength of casting a single vote.

Whisper in your ear and get you all shook up

When it's all over put your vote in my ballot
It's my diner, I'm Mel, and you're Alice
-Li'l Cease, Li'l Kim, & BIG, "Crush On You"

um. word. so today is election day. well technically tomorrow, although it is already after midnight so today. yeah, i need to call it a night.

whatever. you know the drill. go vote dammit.

i love the wheredoivotema.com site. i've been using it since it first came out several years ago. it's dope because you basically get to preview the ballot so you can do all of your own unfiltered research. had an interesting conversation tonight because i still do not know what Liz Malia looks like.

so anyways, on the ballot tomorrow are a host of races and questions. it's a pretty full ballot. i'll have to vote for us senator, attorney general, secretary of state, state treasurer, state auditor, us rep, state councilor (what the hell is that?), state senator, state rep, district attorney, a couple of clerks, a register of deeds, and the three ballot questions. oh yeah, and that whole governorship thingie too.

speaking of the ballot questions. i am not in favor of adding to the number of stores that sell wine. yeah yeah yeah. i don't drink so it doesn't matter. but like my man alow said, there's enough liquor stores in the hood. can't argue with that. as for child care providers being able to organize into unions, there is a part of me that empathizes with the low wages that some in the field make. but the other part of me is not comfortbale knowing that it would in essence increase the cost of child care overall, which would hurt working families' pockets and also may have the unintended effect of putting a lot of small, home and family child care providers out of business just on the strength of the union dues being unaffordable. might be twisted logic, but i ain't feeling it. and on to the questions about allowing a candidate being able to be sponsored by more than one party...i'm all for it. sure, it might be confusing and some folks operate best when there are less options. but let's face it, the 2-party system ain't always going to cut it. plus, i learned some new things today about some of this state's democrats that i'll have to research on my own to confirm. but let's just say they might not be democrats if they were in some other states.

so yeah...go vote dammit.

in other news...

ward connerly is buggin, yo. i understand your got this thing against affirmative action and all. but you just gonna be down with the kkk on the strength of an endorsement. let's get it together, son. some people...

slang is slang. but the "go in brothers"?
the line must be drawn. some people...

you learn something new every day...
can you spot a fake smile.

and lastly, seeing the trailer for the documentary, The Bridge, makes me really want to see it. for some odd reason, it is an interesting study into the seeming calmness with which some people choose to end their lives. i am not fond of death, yet there's something about this movie that intrigues me. plus, i lapsed in brain cells (well memory cells) and did not write a review or re-cap about neither the movie nor the play that i saw in the past two weeks. and both of them were pretty good save for the jacked-up accents and seinfeld-esque jokes.

I threw tools to you even to subdue your own DNA

"Mama spoiled me, the neighborhood express loyalty"

A complete brain block is the state of mind that i'm trapped in. so, i'll keep this Jaz-O track on repeat and lounge for a few until something comes to me. I need a writer life-line. Where's Regis?

Hit up the Deval Patrick rally on Friday where he brought in fellow Chi native Barack Obama. Both speeches were pretty good. My favorite part was when he said something like, "I've stopped listening to the experts. I've always wondered what exactly qualified some of those political pundits on television as the de facto experts in their field. It's like they randomly just appear and are supposedly super-informed on every issue and strategic implication of even the slightest misstep on a candidate's part. But whatever. Patrick has got the governor's gig on lock. It's a wrap for Kerry Healey.

Did some other stuff this weekend as well. Hit up two conferences, an outdoor festival, and church. Tried to keep some balance, stay grounded, and have some fun as well. Turned out to be a decent weekend. Ain't mad at that. Hoepfully, it'll only spell good things for this coming week. Mad stuff to follow-up on the workfront. Mad students to get in touch with to shore up some plans. And the inevitables headaches have already started to arrive as holiday travel season draws nearer. I need to go ahead and hit the lottery and call it a day.

Gain the whole world for the price of your soul

It's funny how money change a situation

lemme go ahead and get this off my chest real quick before I forget.

KANYE WEST is a punk-a$$ b!tch.

Don't go fronting like you really representing and then come out your a$ like a little punk a$ b!tch. and THEN try to pop ish because you had the dough to do what you wnated to do, yet you still didn't get over so now you wanna whine about it. arrogant muthafuqas make me mad. and i don't fuqing like being mad.

Now even when you're gone you can still be reborn
And, from the night can arrive the sweet dawn
Now, some might listen and some might shun
And some may think that they've reached perfection
If you look closely you'll see what you've become
Cause you might win some but you just lost one

First of all, i wasn't had to become lost. Secondly, the Justice vs Simian video was pretty ill. It had me rolling. Thirdly, is this not the same dude who had everybody on his nuts became he "spoke up" about katrina. And make references akin to the tune of him being one of the only peopl in hip-hop who speaks from his soul and has a message? Give me a muthafuqing break, B. It ain't about you, homie!

I think I could possibly be overreacting, but this is just ridiculous. Man the fuq up. Come real with it. If you're really a b!tch, then be that. But if you gonna front like you for the world, then just be clear with it; your fronting, that is. Cuz we been seen through that shT, son.

And lastly, the dude is an entertainer. Just a new-age reincarnation of Puffy. I don't do that new nickname shT. Stick to the basics. Two wack rappers with more ghostwriters than balls of their own to clutch.

But remember not a game new under the sun
Everything you did has already been done
I know all the tricks from Bricks to Kingston
My ting done made your kingdom wan' run
-Lauryn Hill, "Lost One"

this is a link to watch the dumb shT in all its glory

My life story strictly business never blew my chance

A unique sound from the streets and it's just so sweet
My Livin' Proof life story, let me break it in PEACE
-Group Home, "Living Proof"

I sit alone in my four-cornered room staring at candles

had some time to go through my papers, gather my thoughts, and think about some extra shT.

pensive. yeah, that's about right. just call me Pensive Pops today because that's the mood I'm in. and the meditative meaning as a matter of fact.

so anyways, why do i feel overworked yet bored? it's such an awkward feeling to have. like when you are mad hungry to the point that you forget about food and start getting delirious because of your deprivation.

i have a lot of stuff that i need to go ahead and throw away. get some of this clutter out of my periphery. papers, magazines, and some other assorted and random-a$$ shT that should take an L.

plus, i've been doing too much thinking about travel, yet not enough doing. so i need to hop my a$$ on the highway and make some moves. not too mention, the last two months of the year are upon us. So, i need to seriously revisit the goals and "plan" i laid out at the outset and assess what i have accomplished and what remains to be addressed, tackled, conquered, reworked, or forgot about altogether.

only then can i make room for some other ideas, goals, and fresh blood to encircle my membranes in preparation to breath the air of a new, blue skiy that awaits...god willing. nahmean.

and yes, the geto boys were the shT!