Momma I got dreams, but dreams don't keep the lights on

"My momma told me that this music was cool
All she ever wanted from me was to graduate from school"

I got to see my peoples Little Brother tear it down live in concert for the third time and it seems that the show gets better each time. I literally can play their music 24/7 if needed. They are seriously that good. I'v written about on many a prior occasion because they write from a depth of understanding of struggle discipline, and passion that resonates with me and speaks to my core.

"I was born for a much greater purpose, do you this service"

Their latest album, Get Back, is a straight banger. The beats are strong, the melodies vibrant, the choruses sensible, and the lyrics as witty and sharp as ever. The speak to an underclass of people often misconstrued and typecast. The speak for the conscious brothers that like getting head. The speak for the hood dudes with degrees. They speak for the around the way folks who know there's more to the music than making a dollar.

All my life, I've always paid attention to the lyrics. "Watch what you say," was a common refrain. Thus, it only made sense to also watch everything that comes out of other peoples' mouths. Hip-hop spoke to me in a way like no other human could. It was collection of voices at different stages all interspersed throughout my life. I can recall when I first heard this and first recited that. I remember when I first bought so-and-so and what concerts I attended.

My memory landmarks help to keep me grounded. I knew the gangster rappers, the Native Tongues, and everybody in between. It was no different from the neighborhood. I knew the guy that drove the tricked-out Cherokee with the system. I knew the lady that owned the corner store. Even if it weren't a fully functional community; it was still a community nonetheless.

You'd have the blue collar folks, the white-collar folks, the Section 8 homes, and the regular people all about. It is from such variety and diversity that Phonte and Big Pooh flow about life. The flow about the adversity of not only being music artists that never get full recognition, but as men, fathers, husbands, son, and brothers who have their faults and instead of glorifying them; acknowledge them and work to make themselves into better reflections of their inner beings. It is a constant struggle and a continual journey that will suffer setbacks and obstacles. Yet, after the storms comes the sun.

Here's a sample of a verse from their song, Dreams, that smacked me hard when I first it.

I still go to the crib and see my n!ggas on the corner
Chilling with the pounds on they waist, getting old
Getting round in the face and when I hang with them
They ask me if "The Minstrel Show" means I'm ashamed of them
Well - I can't say that I'm proud, but only saying
Can't say I'm allowed to judge, I'm just glad to see you
Cause truth be told, if my records never sold
And I wasn't raised this bold, n!gga I would probably be you
I've been God blessed with the gift to make music
It took me all over the continent
But still got boys on the block and fam smoking rock
So please, miss me with that conscious shT
I spent many a sleepless night because of it
Until I had to shake that shT off and reach the conclusion
That every now and then you gotta ask yourself
Do you really wanna win or just look good losing?
It's no illusion

The verse's context is eerily similar to some previous blog posts of mine and it has haunted me since I first heard it. I cannot help to think of some people in my life who are distant not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I can only offer a prayer for them right now and hope we all live long enough to see each other again. It's a painful thing to deal with but some things just gotta be they way they are I suppose. Dreams is a song that comes off to me like a daily affirmation that you can play every morning as you take a shower and sing the chorus at the top of your lungs. It is a powerful, somber, and reflective look at situations not unlike any normal person. And that's the point. No one is an island. No one is immortal. No one is better than anyone else. And no one is going to truly stop you from achieving your dreams and living them to the fullest other than yourself.

Top of the world screaming, 'FuQ that! Get yours!'

The wheels keep spinning on a brand new thought

Lay down at night and say without shame
Today I was a man, tomorrow I'll be the same
Be a bonfire when others are just a flame
Be a memory when others are just a name

I often find myself consumed with thoughts that overburden my brain. I've always been an inner "what-if" person. I need peace and serenity to maintain my sanity. But as calm, carefree, and nonchalant as I try to be on the outside, my heart is in cardiac arrest any given second as i constantly evaluate life itself. From the urban terrorism that plagues our cities, to personal issues, to family ties; it all makes for an tiring life of wonder, worry, woe, and whoa. Over time, I have learned to make decisions based on fact-based analysis. Just do a quick assessment and bang out an answer or solution. Yet, there are those instances when emotion and/or adrenaline takes over and usurps all authoritative power you may have previously had over your actions.

We all go through the motions. My peoples in Texas are growing through the motions right now. And I'm hurting because they are. My peoples in NYC are hurting right now. And I'm hurting right along. My peoples in Charleston are hurting. It's all the same game. I'm hurting too. My head is thumping. My brain is scattered. My body is weary. I haven't really had a good night's rest in nearly a month. We all take our lumps. Everyone takes one for the team now and then. No amount of ibuprofen can withstand that pain it inflicts.

I performed three pieces the other night and felt really good about the result. It was a cathartic experience. I am a very private person. Always have been and always will be. But there's one caveat. I literally put my life's times in between the paper's lines like Prodigy. I guess I used to visit Queens too much as a child. When I write I find my myself purging all of my emotion onto a blank canvas and then channeling that energy into something else, something new, something different. And that something is never preplanned, structured, or fantasized. But it is always organic, definitive, and from the heart. As much as I seem to be a loud ass to some, others know me as a extreme recluse. I can't call it. I am what am.

I think back to Erykah Badu when she exclaimed how sensitive she was about her shT. I sometimes feel the same way, not in a protective parental way, but in a way that is risk averse to the humiliation, embarrassment, and public critique that could potentially ensue as a result of what was shared. I prefaced my first two pieces by nervously asking the crowd to shut the fuq up. In retrospect, it was not the high road I probably should have taken, but I took it and I do not regret it. Just chalk it up as one of those gut decisions. I heard somebody booing the previous poet and I didn't like that shT. nahmean.

That's why I can't do the shit I used to do no mo'
This world'll try to break you with lies and fables
Make you not even believe in you no mo'
-Little Brother, "When Everything Is New"

But those gut decisions can really do a number on you though, yo. Regrets, second guesses, poor choices, bad data; that shT'll drive you nuts, yo. Gotta take the fractured and tattered shards of manhood I saw as a boy and weld those into a glass masterpiece. A mirror I can look at in the morning without shame. Without pain. Without even a slight strain in my brow. I want to have presence and not merely be an echo in life. I'm still trying to find my way as I continue to grow and evolve. I try to rationalize and make the best decisions I can based on all known factors, but sometimes those irrational formulas that never seem to add up always get in the mix and throw your balanced equations off.

But I'm going to keep writing. I'm going to keep walking tall. Embrace the man I have become, the one I used to be, the one I vowed never to become, and the one I know I can graduate up to. I can only continue to pray and ask for favor in being led the right way. I'll play my position. I guess I'm just not ready to coach yet. Check ball, yo.