Strength, Courage & Wisdom

There exists this poster entitled, "Everything I'll Ever Need to Know About Life I Learned in Kindergarten." When I cop a crib, that will have to go up on a wall somehwhere. So anyways, I say that to get to this, we all encounter wise sages who drop gems on us in passing and we collectively soak up those vignettes as our theme song.

My life's soundtrack has mostly been filled with hip-hop verses, street talk, and positive reinforcement. Ever since I was young, I used to make my own music. Granted, I'm no producer, although I would like to dabble with the Frooty loops software in the near future. I mean music for me and my own personal enjoyment. About 2-3 years ago, I made this one mix CD under the moniker, DJ POPS, with a host of rather laidback joints on it. It started off with Donnell Jones and included such artists as Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, and India Arie.

But the songs I had on my joint weren't the usual, round-the-way tracks that everybody else was banging. Peep the steez:

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
It's been elusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found

Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found

Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be

Those snippets from India Arie's dopest dong (in my opinion), "Strength, Courage, and Wisdom." I'm not going through any mid-life crisis or nothing crazy like that, but if you pay attention to the world it will get you thinking about some other shT, nahmean. I've been thinking about what I have accomplished thus far and what lay ahead. I think back on past friendships, experiences, relationships, and trips while neither reflecting too much on the bad nor reminscing too fondly of the good. I try not to live with a minimum of regrets yet can often feel as though I am my own worst enemy. We only realize our greatest potential when shT gets real like that.

So the culmination of some recent conversations I had that all had similarly parallel plotlines, combined with my current sense of purpose and content - and good music - got me shifting paradigms in my mind. I am not a fan of low self-esteem, yet I can sometimes find myself questioning my own actions, behaviors, and choices. Gut reactions are just that. We sense we are doing the right thing, whether we dwelled on the alternatives extensively or not. I just wanna do right by my family. That one thing has been consistent. And in that quest for consistency, I find that as much as I relish a life completely consumed in hip-hop, I know I'd probably lose it on some d!ckhead who didn't truly understand this shT like I had. Likewise, as much as I enjoy working with students, I know if I don't start meditating I'm liable to lose on one of them as well. See, that goes back to the consistency theory. Thus far, I've established myself as a reasonably friendly, fun, and calm muthafuqa. Laidback and nonchalant sometimes get thrown as additional adjectives for the melting pot, but you get the gist of it. However, I would not consider myself 'deep' or 'sensitive' or no extra spaced-out shT like that. In most instances, I have a great deal of patience and can sustain a high level of stress and burden until it's gone just a tad bit too far. If you can deal with me, then deal with me.

Of course, the opposite can be true as well. If I'm my own worst enemy, why am i not my own best friend? The one person pushing me towards greatness with the hardest shove should be myself, right? So then why can I find myself periodically assessing my goal and plans and realizing there are gaps in the strategy that went unassessed. At time, I feel wuite luck and blessed to have been able to do the things that I have done thus far, but conversely, I realize I ain't really done shT and there's so much, much more to life. I can effortlessly say I'm glad to have made it beyond the age of 21, when that's what is supposed to happen. In some ways, the characterization of a young black male that made it as an anomaly compels mixed feelings of both elation and bewilderment. You're supposed to finish high school, go to college, get a career, cop a crib, and live life to its fullest. I know there will always be breaks in the links of the chain, but the bigger picture is much more expansive than that.

"Brotha" by Jill Scott was one of the other songs I included on that CD. It is somewhat similar to Angie Stone's joint, but I felt Jill's held much more weight and spoke to me. In it, the chorus rolls off like a daily affirmation to a beat:

Brotha don't let nobody hold you back. No. No. No.
Don't let nobody hold ya , control ya or mold ya
Brotha don't let nobody hold you back

Am I my brother's keeper?
Yes I am!

Brotha don't let nobody hold you back

Who am I to consider myself a failure when I've been more fortunate than others? Who am i to not write and perform my spoken word (back-pocket) poetry any and every time the opportunity arises. Who am I not to take GRE? Who am I not to feel ashamed for being an quasi-absentee father? Who am I to let that interfere in anyway whatsoever with the midget's childhood. Who am I still be paying rent. Who am I to not have adequate insurance coverage. Who am I not to finish up the project management certification process. Who am I to not drop everything and go help out someone in need when I see it before my eyes. Who am I to sidestep every homeless panhandler asking me for a little spare change. Who am I to not ask the Boston Chargers why they never seem to be practicing but always seem to be begging. Who am I not to partner with them to come up with a more productive way for them to do fundraising. Who am I to not be more involved with Project Hip-Hop operations and kids. Who am I to continue holding on to a failing project to save face with the stakeholders. Who am I to not admit it's my fault and just let the client go ahead and roll with a new vendor. Who am I to worry that some friends are not on the same wavelength as I. Who am I to let that interfere with our friendship. Who am I to sit here writing aimlessly in cyber-space when I got a lot of shT to catch up on.

Don't go getting all misty-eyed on me. But that Brotha song is so real. There are a lot of thoughts, words, emotions, insight, and perspective that I want to share with the world. And everyday until my demise, i'm gonna keep doing what I gotta do for the betterment of my family and my peoples. I've got a lot of ground to cover and sht to make amends for, but in due time it will all make sense. May not be real talk for you, but it damn sure is for me. Word.