even your emotions had an echo

it's been a long time...i shouldn't have left you

but son was depressed, yo.

but i'm gradually getting over the funk and moving on with life

i've come to realize, well maybe not just realize, but truly accept, admit, and acknowledge that as much as we try to do things to get our ducks in a row and make sure everything is on point, there's a percentage of fate that is simply out of your hands.

over the past month and a half, i've had so many highs and lows it has truly been on some rollercoaster shT. aside from family drama, to work headaches, to having my heart broken, to petty life nuisances across the country affecting other family and friends, to the daily emotional effects of feeling seemingly helpless and useless amid a sea of ingrained nig%anomics, it ain't that bad. but it damn sure could be better.

we got ceilings dropping on a happy couple, a$holes in the middle east still fighting, corrupt cops getting bagged, and gun play in the hood damn ner every fuqing day.

i had forced myself to not blog for a while until i could fully get out of my stomach the mixed feelings that had been churning around the past few weeks. at times i feel helpless, used & abused, and weary. but on the other hand, i know full well that my presence and voice is needed and despite the odds serves an important role. i know full well of the good that occurs on the daily and the plight of those who go unnoticed every day yet make substantially large impacts throughout their communities.

i also briefly thought about writing a venting, emotionally impassioned plea for forgiveness and a second chance. and then the devil crept in and suggested I lash out with a scathing women suck diatribe based on perceptions. but in the end, i wrote a private, personal ode that will forever remain tucked away so that i'll never forget...her. there still might be a next lifetime. gotta be honest with myself first though. nahmean.

so although my motivation for writing this blog everyday is no longer there, i'll have to reinvent that inspiration in the form of a newfound purpose. and it's not all that newfound in the first place. this has been and will continue to be a place for me to speak about thatever the fuq i want in whatever tone and words i fell are necessary. only this time, i'll have to make even more of a commitment to it.

everything in life is a lesson learned. each action has a consequence and while I'm trying my bestest not to go awol, I'll need that freedom to explore a new range of thought. hell, maybe I'll even think about (gasp) moving. who knows. whatever i do, my peoples will be on my mind and heart heavy. because the gun clappings go down nightly around here and it's gonna take some of the villagers and maybe even a few vigilantes to get these muthafuqas in check. we got work to do, son. word to muthafuqing big bird.

and i can die when i'm done