Pain and more pain's the only change I know

A message to my son, it's times in my life
where I stood around to fight when it was better off to run
-Styles P, "Leave A Message"

the perils and promise of masculinity. what is it to truly man up? is it to stand your ground and hold shT down or know when, where, how, and why to pick your battles. it's a topic that has racked my brain for many years. some of my male role models spanned the full spectrum of masculinity, from full-blown gangsters involved in crazy shT to god-like father figures who served as the Mayors of their block*¹ to sensitive types and others who avoided confrontations seemingly at all costs. Styles "Message..." joint is ill in its simplicity. He's leaving you a message as he's asking you to leave one as well. It made me think of how that compared to the new TI and Jay-Z joint called, "Watch What You Say To Me." That whole being masculine and tough without having to really do much posturing debate.

It is an interesting discussion to engage in where the conversation can become so heated that is a microcosm of what is being discussed. we can become so engulfed in defending our own beliefs (turf) that we engage in behaviors that, while they may be face-saving, are also self-effacing and defeating in their naivety and short-sightedness. they say our arms are too short to box with God, so instead we spar with mortals in a fight for dominance and control. we are indirectly taught to grab our nuts, mean-mug, and posture when we want to assert our bravado. it is implied that we have to knuckle up at the slightest disrespect. and some have interpreted the shoot first, ask questions later mantra as akin to getting my shine before you get yours. there's much that could be said about the causes and solutions violence. there is a world or destruction and hate that permeates our daily lives. it's bigger than your block. than your city. your country.

for context, the editorial below was in today's Boston Globe and brought all of these thoughts to my brain.

A call for action on teen violence
By Isaura Mendes | July 6, 2007

I am a mother from the Cape Verdean community in Boston, and I have lost two sons to murder. My older son, Bobby, was stabbed in 1995. Last year, just before Mother's Day, my son Matthew was killed in a drive-by shooting just a few blocks from my home.

The three years after Bobby's death were terrible for me. I was depressed and stayed in my house all the time. Then in 1999 I got involved and became a peace activist. Over the years, I have gone to many funerals, helped hundreds of parents bury their children. It is always hard, but the last couple of weeks have been especially terrible.

Our city has seen so many tragedies, but the death of Liquarry Jefferson was worse than anyone could imagine. An innocent 8-year-old lost his life, an innocent 7-year-old was turned into an accidental killer, and a 15-year-old brother, who may have owned the gun, will have to live with this horror for the rest of his life. Our children are beautiful, but this sickness of violence in our community is destroying them.

I know that Boston Mayor Thomas Menino is angry when he calls for a "war on guns." I want to get rid of the guns, too. I know that the Rev. William E. Dickerson II, is trying to make a point when he calls this 8-year-old "a little warrior," but violent words will not bring us peace.

Our voices are powerful. Our words make a difference. The children listen to what we say and learn from our actions. We have to teach them that love is the answer. Even when they do wrong, we have to correct them with kindness and build them up. We have to keep telling them to stay in school. We have to make opportunities for them so they won't end up in the jails or in the grave.

Six weeks before my son Matthew was killed, he went to England to talk with the young people about peace. While he was there, he found his voice. He said to me, "I'm going back to Boston to speak up for what is right and I won't let anything stop me."

Matthew knew from personal experience how hard it is for the older teens in the neighborhoods. There are so many wonderful summer programs for younger children in Boston, but when they turn 18, they can no longer participate. If they have a CORI (criminal offender record information system) record, there are very few places they can go.

This year in the city of Boston, over 3,000 young people from poor families applied for summer jobs through ABCD, one of the few organizations that serves youth ages 18 to 21 who already have a criminal record. The lottery was held last week and there is only enough money to make jobs for 1,000 of them. That is not right and we have to do something about it.

This Sunday at the Bobby Mendes Peace Legacy 8th Annual Parents and Children's Walk for Peace, we will dedicate a special fund in Matthew's memory. The Matthew Mendes Courage Fund will create training and jobs for young people, especially those ages 18 to 21 who don't know which way to go and are already in trouble with the law.

Our goal is to help every child discover his or her purpose and voice. Our dream is that every young person in Boston who wants a job this summer will have one. This terrible tragedy of Liquarry's death must be a wake-up call for our city. We must all become role models for our children and learn to speak the language of peace. We must join together to take care of all our young people, especially those who are in trouble and in pain. If we can do this, then Liquarry will not have died in vain.

I lost two sons to murder, but I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to take action. Support a program in the community. Reach out to the young people in your neighborhood and let them know that you love them.

Everyone can do something. Everyone has a role to play. With God's help, we will bring peace to the city if we all do our part.

Isaura Mendes is a peace activist and founder of the Bobby Mendes Peace Legacy.

*1: I borrowed that one from K. Gotta give credit where it is due. Good looks.